On Cling Film

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Who invented cling film? If anyone knows, please send me his/her name and address and daily work schedule. I have a bone to pick with him/her. My understanding of the concept is that this nefarious product is supposed to be a handy and convenient way of keeping food fresh. All you have to do is extend a piece of the stuff over the top of the bowl or plate, the film clings to the bowl, and your food is sealed and ready for the fridge.

Here’s the instructions for use:

Find the start of the roll.

Pull film to required length and tear against the cutting edge.

The start of the roll is roughened to make finding it much easier.

Yeah, right.

Here’s my instructions:

First locate the end of the roll. Allow plenty of time for this part of the exercise; if you manage to keep your temper it can take twenty minutes; if not, you may need to redecorate and you’ll have to find some other way of keeping your food fresh.

Second, when you try to extend the stuff it will tear, coming away in strips too narrow to cover the food.

Third, it clings. To your hands, your arms, the kitchen wall, your face. To everything except the food container. There’s a long list of materials that static electricity loves. Cling film sits proudly at the top of this list.

Fourth, getting the stuff onto the intended plate/bowl is a complex task fit only for an astronaut trained to dock a shuttle with a space station. If you do finally manage to maneuver enough of the stuff into the intended position, be very, very careful with it. If you puncture it, you’ll have to start all over again.

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