Weird phone calls


Good morning. I’d like to speak to Mister Tohnah.


Mister Tohnah?


Excellent. Mister Tohnah, I’m ringing from Bord Gas, concerning your electricity bills.


Mister Tohnah, I’ve had a look at your electricity bills and I can see quite a variation from month to month. I can now offer you a new facility called “Level Pay”. Using this facility, I can calculate an average bill for you based on your bills from last year. I can then set up your direct debit so that you pay the same amount every month. This will enable you to avoid those nasty large bills. Do you understand?

Yes. The electricity supply people had a similar system. I’m not interested.


Thank you, but I’m not interested.

I haven’t explained it properly, Mister Tohnah. Let me explain it again.

No thank you. Goodbye.



Good afternoon. Do I have the pleasure of speaking with Mister Toner?


Mister Toner, I am calling from “Rest in Peace plc”. We are a publicly quoted company serving the soon-to-depart.

The soon-to-what?

Depart. As I’m sure you are aware, funeral costs have been escalating for several years. The high cost of wood, in particular, has driven the cost of a coffin well beyond the means of many people.

Pardon me?

Indeed. Many people now realise that when they depart they will be leaving their loved ones with the burden of an unsustainable bill for funeral expenses. What we at “Rest in Peace plc” offer is an option to pay your funeral expenses up front. With our easy-pay option you may buy your coffin today at today’s prices, thus leaving nothing behind for your loved ones but the good memories.

Where did you get this number?

People in your age bracket are increasingly turning to our easy-pay option. This can be tailored to your needs. Starting with the basic package of a simple coffin and short homily–

I asked you where you got my number.

–right up to the full Concorde class package consisting of a full teak coffin with brass accoutrements, flowers, a full church service, a choir of your choice and extra mourners if required–

I’m putting the phone down.

–A headstone, should you want one, is extra, of course. Graveyard monuments and mausoleums are popular among the super-rich. We cater for all religions and every denomination–


3 thoughts on “Weird phone calls

  1. pdr lindsay says:

    Really? Are the accents distinctly from Pakistan or Bangladesh as they are in my country? I get a regular call about my computer from Microsoft with an Indian accent!

  2. Akhen1khan2 aka Jack Eason says:

    Makes me glad that those darned nuisance cold callers don’t have my number JJ. I do get the odd one from time to time, usually from my bank offering me X,Y or Z in their latest scheme to promote credit cards. I go into hang up mode immediately 🙂

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